Broken

A few weeks ago I knocked this ceramic cat nightlight off the dresser and it crashed to the floor.  It had been mine when I was little, and it was being passed on to Laurel, to light up her room at night, to create a glow of warmth and remind her that she is safe and cared for and protected.  As I swept up the pieces I grieved a little for the loss of an heirloom.  And I also grieved for  the brokenness it represents—the hurts that we can’t fix, the pieces we can’t glue back together.  Today we let a friend cut Laurel’s fingernails.  It’s a task that’s dreaded by most parents,  and here was an offer from someone we trust.  But things went badly and Laurel ended up with five bloody fingers.  She cried that heartbreaking cry—the one where you know she means things are not okay, not even close to being okay.  And I had to work hard to not join her.  Jon and I felt sick to our stomachs, knowing that we had handed her over to pain, knowing that we didn’t protect her.  We know she’ll be okay.  We know that most parents have stories of the time they cut their baby’s fingers.  We know that there are much, much worse things that can happen to a baby.  We know that we haven’t yet experienced what it really means to watch your child suffer.

But we still feel horrible that she has been hurt and there is nothing we can do about it.  

Someone said the hurts just get bigger from here.  How true those words are.  There will be bee stings and scraped knees, broken arms and chicken pox.  There will be disappointments at not making the team or not getting invited to the party.  There will be failed tests, hurt feelings, broken hearts.  And we will try to protect her.  On some days we will succeed.  But on others we will fail.  Because part of life involves getting hurt, no matter how hard we try to avoid it.   And in the midst of getting hurt, she will grow.  And we will grow.  And we will, as long as she will let us, be there to walk with her in the midst of it, to give extra hugs and words of hope, to help her put the pieces back together if we can.